nancy who was a nurse

success

1. 

 

i miss nancy

telling me 

 

it’s going to be alright

 

i miss nancy

who was a nurse,

whose voice was a warm butter bath,

she told me

what i needed to believe

 

you need time             trust me

 

she would remind me:        you’ll be fine

 

i needed to believe her words 

i tried to believe,

but couldn’t

 

it’s going to get better

 

i miss nancy

her words held me in 

the safe palm of her hand

 

i miss nancy

who was a nurse

2.

When my mind succeeds

in ordinary little ways,

the feathers on the back 

of my neck

stand on end,

 

and pretend to fly

anytime

sync out

3.

there was a time

when i could just muscle through

keep moving forward

falling down in the right direction

without thinking about anything

reacting to the foreign energy

shaping my dimensions

lose control and not caring 

flowing into dead ends

that didn’t kill me

and didn't end

 

i remember the white-knuckle

carnival ride through the storms

that blow through my head

waiting for the next roller coaster

defying gravity 

but expecting to be in freefall

any time now

door

5.

sometimes i stand

looking at my door,

with my still hand            

                     gripping the knob,

squeezing it tight

until the blood in my hand

presses up to the skin;

 

and i wonder 

what do i need to say

to myself

to turn the knob 

and open the door

4.

 

If my mind 

all its cogs and gears

ever syncs itself to act together

if i get the machine well-oiled

tuned up perfectly

i would raise a quiet hell

about my desecration

resurrection or restoration

 

i’d try to be brave

i’d have new questions

for those who practice

medicine on me;

for the people who gradually left 

me on my own

for the people i can’t trust

 

answers will not be available

 

in hommage 

the sky will explode:

i’ll cut my feet on shattered stars

walk on scattered lives

door open

6.

 

another time

i opened my door,

nothing was 

ever the same

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