nancy who was a nurse
success
1.
i miss nancy
telling me
it’s going to be alright
i miss nancy
who was a nurse,
whose voice was a warm butter bath,
she told me
what i needed to believe
you need time trust me
she would remind me: you’ll be fine
i needed to believe her words
i tried to believe,
but couldn’t
it’s going to get better
i miss nancy
her words held me in
the safe palm of her hand
i miss nancy
who was a nurse
2.
When my mind succeeds
in ordinary little ways,
the feathers on the back
of my neck
stand on end,
and pretend to fly
anytime
sync out
3.
there was a time
when i could just muscle through
keep moving forward
falling down in the right direction
without thinking about anything
reacting to the foreign energy
shaping my dimensions
lose control and not caring
flowing into dead ends
that didn’t kill me
and didn't end
i remember the white-knuckle
carnival ride through the storms
that blow through my head
waiting for the next roller coaster
defying gravity
but expecting to be in freefall
any time now
door
5.
sometimes i stand
looking at my door,
with my still hand
gripping the knob,
squeezing it tight
until the blood in my hand
presses up to the skin;
and i wonder
what do i need to say
to myself
to turn the knob
and open the door
4.
If my mind
all its cogs and gears
ever syncs itself to act together
if i get the machine well-oiled
tuned up perfectly
i would raise a quiet hell
about my desecration
resurrection or restoration
i’d try to be brave
i’d have new questions
for those who practice
medicine on me;
for the people who gradually left
me on my own
for the people i can’t trust
answers will not be available
in hommage
the sky will explode:
i’ll cut my feet on shattered stars
walk on scattered lives
door open
6.
another time
i opened my door,
nothing was
ever the same